Your dad touched me again.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
