They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
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