Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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