I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize