I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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