I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
