New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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