Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
