I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
