U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
