So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
