Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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