I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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