My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
