last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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