It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
