You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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