our cab driver is having phone sex.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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