On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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