So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
