if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
