Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
