Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she peed on how many people?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
