I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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