i love accidental penises.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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