i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
