If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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