According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
