I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
