whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
