I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
