i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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