I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
