i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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