So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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