Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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