my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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