I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
