i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize