mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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