I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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