living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
