Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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