do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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