I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
