I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
