Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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