I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
