I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I want to make a zoo with you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
