wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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