i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
