i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found puke in my bra..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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