I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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