Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize