dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
