Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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