Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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