My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think my nap took me to another dimension
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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